Fun With My HOA

Long time readers know that I don’t really like my homeowners association. The leaders of my HOA are too cowardly to come and talk to me about any real or perceived violations in person. Instead, they have the management company send out a Courtesy Reminder informing me of the violation. Next, is a Second Notice of Violation. After that comes the Third Notice of Violation where they start threatening fines.

A few years back, this process started off where my “bushes on the right” needed pruning. After the Third Notice of Violation, I pruned all the bushes on my property, then, I wrote a letter to that effect asking for an explanation and how the inspection process worked and how high the bushes would be allowed to grow and also played the crip card as well as the disabled American Veteran card (I’m disabled and a veteran, I just didn’t get my disability in the military). Normally, I wouldn’t play those cards, but this was an HOA Nazi I was dealing with. Cindy did most of the writing and the letter was a work of art. There was a subtle threat of a lawsuit. I even got a letter from the management company’s lawyers saying that there was no need for a suit. It turned out that “the bushes on the right” weren’t even on my property! All that bullshit for nothing.

A few years later, I got a Coutesy Reminder about my “trash receptacle being visible from the road”. They even enclosed a picture of my trash receptacle outside my garage. Here in DeKalb County, the sanitation department has a policy that if you are disabled, you don’t have to take your trash container to the curb but can leave it outside your garage and they’ll empty it and return it to the outside your garage. All you have to do is fill out a form signed by your doctor and you get a decal to put on your mailbox to show the guys on the truck that you’re in the program.

This time was even more fun since we took a picture of me in a wheelchair and an arrow pointing to it labeled “disabled dude”. Then we took a picture of my mailbox with my decal clearly visible. Then Cindy and I drafted another awesome letter to the HOA management company enclosing these pictures and demanding an apology from the management company and the HOA board. To their credit, the management company did apologize. The HOA board did not.

This year they hassled me about my mailbox. Turns out there was rust on the pole that the mailbox is mounted upon. Unfortunately the Courtesy Reminder was very ambiguous and didn’t specify that. I wrote a letter to the management company asking for clarification. It wasn’t as good as Cindy would have written (She’s got a got job now that she works long hours at so she didn’t have time to help me) but the management company clarified the problem and apologized for the ambiguity in the letter and I fixed it.

Now, I decided to just piss off the HOA. I’ve got some beds in my front yard that have some weeds and grass growing in them. I decided to just leave them that way and wait for the Courtesy Reminder. It came Saturday with pictures of the offending beds. Normally, I would have taken care of them on my own a few weeks ago but I decided to be a total asshole, especially since the president of the HOA has to walk by my house at least twice a day. Screw you, dude! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do I have problems with authority? You bet! You can ask my sister about that. I prolly took five years off my mother’s life because of problems with me when I was growing up. She told me after I was an adult – and I actually turned out quite well and she admitted that – that if they could have afforded it, they would have sent me to military school. I’m actually surprised that I managed to make it through four years in the Navy without any trouble and I got an honorable discharge. Well, on the Iredell County, I did have an RM2 write me up for calling him a dickhead, but the XO talked him into tearing up the report chit so I didn’t have to go to Captain’s Mast. It helped that I was the only guy on the ship who could fix electronics gear and that the RM2 was a dickhead and that most of the officers, including the XO and Captain liked me. Being real good at my job – and I was – helped me out big time.

I stopped on my way home from my doctor’s appointment and bought some mulch and I’ll take care of one of the beds tomorrow. It’s gotten to be really fun to piss these assholes off. I’m thinking of getting some pink flamingos and putting them in the urns outside my front door. That oughta get a rise out of them.

Monday Pun 6-9-2014

Bill sent me this one.

A psychologist is in his office, tending to business in between appointments, when a man bursts in, frantic:

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! I’m having an identity crisis! First I think I’m a wigwam, then I think I’m a tepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a tepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a tepee!”

The psychologist says, “Whoa whoa whoa! Sit down and relax… (more…)