May 15 marks 34 years that I have lived in the Atlanta area, almost half of my life. I was planning on this being a way station in my career. I planned on spending a few years as a hardware instructor and then hoping to get a job as a Systems Engineer. Good thing that didn’t happen since the SE job went away. I eventually wound up as a Systems Programmer which was the best job I ever had with IBM. It would have been even better had I not worked for a CDSM©.
I’ve seen a lot of changes in the past 34 years but one thing that hasn’t changed is the traffic (except for getting worse) or the rules for driving in Atlanta. This comes from someone’s Farcebook post. I did not write it altho’ I wish I had.
HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana. (Or people from Alabama. – GOC)
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 9:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is 80 mph. On I-75 and I-85, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘wussy’. (I-285 is also known as the Watermelon 500. – GOC)
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For example, Ferraris and Lamborghinis owned by sports stars go first at a four-way stop. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go second. The trucks with the biggest tires go third. The HOV lanes are really designed just for the slow Floridians passing through who are used to hogging the left lane everywhere.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light or stop sign, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Unless there is a police car nearby.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting. Generally, city roads other than the main streets have more potholes and bumps (usually speed bumps) than most dirt roads in the countryside.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, possums, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, furniture, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, and crows.
9. Be aware that spelling of street names may change from block to block, e.g., Clairmont, Claremont, Clairmonte.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated”. (If you turn on your turn signal to indicate a lane change the person behind you in that lane will immediately speed up to prevent you from entering that lane. That’s why no one uses their turn signals. – GOC)
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55-65 mph zone, k, e.g., you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
MOST IMPORTANT: If you get LOST, Look for a road named PEACHTREE… Then you are somewhere in Atlanta. (Factoid. There are over 64 roads in Atlanta with Peachtree in their names. – GOC)
Excellent list. I live in LA and most of those apply here except the speeds. Add 10-20 MPH to them
Left Atlanta years ago. When I must go there I change to Atlanta mode. To get on 285, necessary to go anywhere, do the following. On the access lane carefully observe the cars you are to merge with, pick out the most expensive car, force that car to give way while stating, out loud, “mine is cheaper than yours, as=hole”.
Heh! Heh! It works!
Works even better if you’re driving a beater!
I’ve been to both places in a big truck, midnight is the best time of day and piss on the go thru law, bypasses suck, shoot the middle and hope the cops ain’t lookin. Maybe y’all should move to Ky, had 6 cars, the mailman, and 3 school buses come by today. A traffic jam is 2 cars stuck behind an Amish buggy, or a tractor.
so very true
“7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting. Generally, city roads other than the main streets have more potholes and bumps (usually speed bumps) than most dirt roads in the countryside.”
HowTF can this possibly be? I thought Michigan is the shithole described above.
My thoughts exactly! The state which effectively put America on wheels has also got the single most corrupt highway maintenance system in America, bar none. Perhaps, A.D., you may recall those tenth-of-a-mile test patches on US-23, starting at the Ohio state line and north. (For all I know, I-75 had them also, or I-275.) They were supposed to see which patch-material got the best wear. Not one word ever circulated which one, because the only one that WORKED would have cut into the near-monopoly paving businesses in this state. Union thievery and graft in purchasing materiel didn’t help, either. The orange barrel is our state bird, state mineral and state karma.
If only you knew who another and I was, which effectively killed Proposal 1-2015 on the blog.
Why y’all re-elected lying 2010 limp-dick is beyond me but, here the asshole is : http://rightmi.com/of-course-he-did/
And, the dumb motherfuckers called Michiganders, double-down after Slick Rick by electing the fat menopausal BC/BS (father) indentured broad as governor, and a radical lesbian jew man-hating cunt (but I repeat myself) as AG?
🤡 🌎
Just sayin’…
Those two women will each be sidelined by the same GOP now ruling the state house and senate. What with Alabama now joining the anti-abortion fray, it looks like Whitmer’s veto of abortion restrictions won’t matter.
Get woke? Get broke. Get motherhood, not murdered. Whitmer’s already trying to break up GOP districts with a redistricting effort. Typical crooked Democrat stuff there, move along,. nothing to see except the Macomb prosecutor getting FBI-searched and the usual parade of other “no party specified” types going to court.
I’m being only partly facetious to say that if he’s lucky, by the time that state redistricting is done, Justin Amash will have a district that fits in a McDonald’s booth and Tim Walberg would be run out of Congress for being able to recite more than 10 passages from the King James Bible. Anyone with an ACU rating higher than 30 would be run off the planet, because, by Gum, the Democrats will be in charge.
If they can ever recover from Donald J. Trump. We’ll know more about that in mid-2023.
Go straight on Peachtree, turn left when you get to Peachtree, this Peachtree turns into a different Peachtree. Every street seems to have the name Peachtree in it.
Don’t forget the Neal Boortz rule – There’s always a hole in Peachtree Street.
Back in the 70s, I advocated moving the Atlanta 500 to 285. Put the pits at the airport – drivers have to make it all the way around. Keep normal traffic on the road.
‘Watermelon 500’ Hahahahahahaha
Been here 36 years this year (by the way of NJ). Best decision my dad ever made for our family. This is my home and when asked, as far as I’m concerned, I’m a southerner. Some of the locals say that could never be because I wasn’t born here, but they still let me claim that if “it makes me feel good”.
Wished I had this a few years back when I had to go on business. Consider printing a PDF with a paywall. You’d get rich.
If it’s not Peachtree it’s either a Bridge or a Ferry related street, which is odd considering the only body of water is the Chattahoochee.
Don’t forget all of the “Mills”.
Things must have changed since 1991 when I drove thru Alana on my way to floorda……….. no traffic jams, no cop cars & virtually no traffic except for several other Northers like me at about 4 AM , There must have been an educational program on TV about Home Still maintenance to keep that many goobers off the road.
My driving experience says Chicago is the worst , LA is a close second with honorable mentions for Toronto , Detroit & DC.
In Filthydelphia take a cab because you will not be able to understand their traffic signs & risk having your vehicle impounded & costing you about half of what it is worth in fines, fees & towing charges to get it back.
Regarding highway speeds, just came from the West Coast on Hwy 10, an onto Hwy 20, to Dallas.
The avg speed of traffic is about 85 mph.
Like a race track out there.
CDSM? Confused, dumb-shit manager?
Close. Put your mouse over it and all will be revealed.
Back when Gousha Map Company was moving it’s corporate base to the little town of Comfort, TX the CEO came down from NY. The only stop light in town turned green and an old timer took his sweet time getting going, the CEO proceeded to honk at him, the old man threw his truck in park, got out with his shotgun and asked what the hell the all fire hurry was. When the CEO got to the office, he was ghost white and relayed the story to my father. My dad simply told him, welcome to Texas. You may want to rethink your honking etiquette.
For the last 5 years we have been driving I75 south from Michigan to Florida to visit my b i l, the last 2 years have been towing a travel trailer. I have never seen anything like the traffic around Atlanta. I tend to stay on I 75 and motor straight on through. Usually I try to hit Atlanta after 7 pm. Denny, Is it worth taking 285 around, especial”y if I hit there during the day?
You should only hit Atlanta between 10:00 AM and 3:00 PM or after 8:00 PM or before 5:00 AM. Driving straight through is better than taking I-285.