Ronsday – Next Year

Ron’s last post of 2020. A little humor. Or is it?

So . . . as the sun slides off the edge of the world on the evening of 31 December and brings the horrendous 2020 to an end, we will look forward to 2021 bringing a return to normal and the opportunity to get on with our lives as we lived them a year ago, sans masks, sans hibernation, sans shortages, sans gleep.

O.K., let’s look ahead into the time machine at what might await us . . . Ah! Here . . . a metro newspaper dated 24 January 2021 – just the main stories:

Akron, Ohio – the volcano’s major eruption cycle seems to be subsiding, and the smoke is beginning to clear. Ash and pumice have caused nearly every roof within 50 miles to collapse from the weight, and engineers say that in another week or so we might be able to get enough engines running again to restore electricity to hospitals and other emergency organizations.

Jackson, Mississippi – The flow of seawater from the river’s reversal after the 9.1 New Madrid quake has stopped, but water from the north still falls into the crater. Stragglers from Memphis after the catastrophic slide into the rift report that no evidence remains of a city ever existing on the east side of the Mississippi in Tennessee.

Hilo, Hawai’i — Naval units from Pearl Harbor report this morning that the massive explosion and resultant tsunami from Haleakala’s re-awakening have obliterated virtually everything on Maui and completely destroyed Honolulu, with catastrophic damage to the US Naval Base at Pearl Harbor.

Fort Worth, Texas – The locust swarm has descended on downtown after denuding the surrounding countryside of every leaf, twig, and stem of plant life as far west as Albuquerque. Residents who were unable to evacuate the area have tried to shelter in homes and buildings from the voracious insects, but entomologists warn that when their natural food sources are depleted, they’ll eat anything, including people.

Ashville, North Carolina – Infectious toads, frogs, and salamanders are now everywhere, into everything, and people have no way to avoid them except by leaving town before they’re touched by the contagion. Citizens are encouraged to flee south, since the locusts are expected to arrive soon and the eastern seaboard is clogged with ash from the Akron volcano.

Orlando, Florida – An explosion in the python population from nearby swamps and ponds and streams has made residents fear for their domestic pets and toddlers. Some are reported to be longer than 40 feet and fully capable of swallowing an adult German Shepherd or Labrador with no difficulty.

Portland, Oregon – Ever-increasing numbers of violent sasquatch attacks have brought the city to its knees, forcing businesses and schools to close. Police have asked that citizens stay inside after dark and arm themselves with high-powered firearms to ward off the suddenly aggressive creatures.

New Orleans, Lousiana – Mosquitoes of enormous size are forming larger swarms every evening, infecting citizens with malaria, yellow fever, and new strains of respiratory diseases. The CDC suggests full PPE gear for everyone, especially the very young and the elderly. Biologists at LSU say there is hope that the locust plague will overpower and consume the mosquitoes, possibly becoming ill themselves from the diseases they carry.

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – Reports of multiple deaths from attacks by the venomous crow-rattlesnake hybrid which has escaped from the University of Idaho experimental bio-engineering lab. Apparently the new species multiplies rapidly and has the ability to fly as well as burrow to escape danger. Virologists are working frantically on an antidote for the toxin, which attacks melanin in the body and turns dark-skinned people into albinos overnight.

Anchorage, Alaska – No rest for the hardy frontiersmen as 4-legged salmon continue to plague homes and businesses, dying by the thousands and instantly decomposing into puddles of radioactive gray slime on streets and doorsteps. Professor Ichiro Nizikawa of the IUJ believes that other invasive mutant species resulting from the nuclear waste spilled into the sea by the Fukushima disaster will continue along the US northwest, eventually as far down the coast as San Francisco.

Las Vegas, Nevada – Mayor Goodman today asked for federal funds to help cope with the thousands of survivors from the sudden disappearance of most of California into the Pacific last week as “the big one” finally hit the San Andreas fault line. While nearly half the state’s 40 million population are feared lost, stragglers still appear from time to time, floating on debris washing up on the shores of what was once the “Inland Empire.”

Paris, France – Flocks of vampires and packs of werewolves continue to roam the countryside east of the city. Officials estimate at least a thousand shape-shifting vampires rise from the catacombs each night in search of their favorite nourishment and perhaps at least as many werewolves change form to attack innocent neighbors armed with holy water and silver bullets.

Washington, D.C. – Potential tragedy looms over the capitol as the country resigns itself to the inauguration and impending suicide of Joseph Robinette Biden as President. Or as the ghost of Thomas Jefferson recently commented when he appeared at a joint session of Congress to formalize the electoral college vote, “the great New World experiment’s descent into a socialist apocalypse.”

Munich, Germany – Government officials are scurrying to prepare for the massive influx of refugees after NASA and the ESA issued a joint statement confirming that newly discovered eccentric-orbit asteroid 2021 Bftsplk will impact the earth a few hundred miles north of Hawaii on 1 April.

The giant iron-core rocky planetoid roughly the size of Ayer’s Rock will strike at a nearly perpendicular angle and throw the waters of the Pacific Ocean over North America all the way to the east coast and completely obliterate all of Central America. In Asia, it will flatten all the island nations, including Japan, Philippines, Indonesia, and all the smaller groups before inundating China all the way to Tibet. All of Indochina, India, and the east coast of Africa will be wiped out, with only central and northwest Europe being spared devastating floods.

Joke Of The Week

An oldie but goodie from my friend Phil.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her, no, I was sitting in my driveway licking my balls when my wife came home and hit me with the car.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Phony Baloney Signature Audit

Brad Reffensperger, the SecState of Georgia has decided to put the matter of election fraud to rest. How? With a signature audit.

Assembled in teams at folding tables, GBI agents and state election investigators this past week scrutinized voter signatures on absentee ballot envelopes, a major test of their legitimacy.

Forget the voting machines, it’s with absentee ballots that the Dimocrats stole the election in Georgia and since it worked, they are gonna try to steal the runoff for the Senate as well. Who’s gonna stop them? Kemp? Raffensperger?

A small number of mismatched signatures would discredit suspicions from President Donald Trump and election skeptics who claim the system for verifying voter identity allows rampant fraud. Significant mismatches would expose flaws in the ballot verification process.

The unprecedented review of absentee ballots, scheduled to be finished this week, is comparing signatures on ballot envelopes with their signatures on file. Fifty investigators are working to examine a 15,000-ballot sample of the nearly 150,000 absentee ballots returned in Cobb County.

WTF? Cobb County? There were no election shenanigans reported in Cobb County. Why isn’t he auditing Fulton and DeKalb Counties? That’s where the election was stolen, not in Cobb County. JHFC! He is in on the steal. But, then, if you did a signature audit in those two counties you would be a raaaaa-cist since they are majority African.