From Mike.
One day a man decided to retire.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”
“Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
“You’ve built a Golf Course too?”
Remember the old record “The Golf Game” where the woman tries to tell the dirty old man how to play golf?
“The Golf Game” were by “Jeb and Cousin Easy”.
Here you go Denny ,,,,,from the antique volume of moldy oldies.
A young lumber jack has a chip of wood fly up & put out one of his eyes..
The cost for a handcrafted glass eye was way out of his ability too pay for so0000000 he carved a wooden eye & painted it but it was so obvious he kinda quit going out with guys or go to town to the weekend dances.
Well his friends talked him into going to the dances by telling him if he sat in one of the corner booths no one would notice his wooden eye.
Every thing was going well until out of the corner of his good eye he spotted a young lady sitting all alone in another corner both so he got the courage to go over to her to say Hi………Well as he walked over in the shadows he noticed she had a large hare lip but is was too late to turn back since she seen him coming.
Now confused & at a loss with words of what to say blurted ” “would you like too dance? ” She responded with a smile & said…….Would I! Would I ! which made him step & point a finger at her & said ….Hare Lip! Hare Lip !
A budding romance destroyed & no female companion this night.
Dammit, Dud, you and I are about the same age and I’d never heard that one. Every bit as funny as Mr. Wilson’s.
Redd Foxx told a similar joke, wherein the man had a wooden eye, and he fell in love with a woman who had a vertical mouth. He asked for her hand in marriage. She replied “Oh, wouldn’t I?”, to which he responded “Pussy Face!”.
There was another cruise ship that sank, and the only survivor was a young boy, who washed up on a tropical island. Fortunately for him, there was plenty to eat on the island, so he survived. When the boy was about 20 years old, there was another shipwreck, and this time the only survivor was a young woman, about the same age as the young man. He was amazed to see another human being after so many years, and the young woman was startled to find there was another human living on the island.
It took a short while for the young man to remember how to speak, but then the two introduced themselves. The woman asked, “What do you do all day on this island by yourself?” The young man answered, “Well, I catch fish, I climb the trees and get some coconuts, and sometimes I dig for clams.”
She then asked, “What do you do for sex?” He gave her a puzzled look, “Sex? What’s that!?” So then she proceeded to show him everything there was to know about sex. When they were finished, she asked him, “What do you think about that!?” He answered, “Wow! That was really great! But look what you did to my clam-digger!”