Joke Of The Week

From Mike.

Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move folding someone in the shape of a pretzel). Anyways, the Human Pretzel won all of his matches that night and called out anyone in the crowd that thought they could take him and offered a million dollars to anyone who could make it out the first round. Tim told Matt since he was a great wrestler he should give it a try. Matt agreed and entered the ring. After 10 rounds Matt gets back in his corner and is very tired as Tim is trying to pump him up.

Tim: “Man, you could beat this guy. He’s getting tired and you could be the champion!”

Matt: “I know but I’m exhausted, I’m probably not gonna make another round”

11th round starts and sure enough the Human Pretzel finally pins Matt. The referee comes flying in and starts to count “One! Two! Thr” and just before he’s about to lose, Matt screams at the top of his lungs and amazingly ends up on top the Human Pretzel, pinning him, and winning the match!

After the match a reporter rushes to Matt and says:

Reporter: “Matt, no one had ever beaten the Human Pretzel before! How on earth did you do it?!”

Matt smirking: “Well, I thought I was gonna lose for sure when he got me in that pretzel lock, but I just happened to open my eyes and see a big pair of nuts in my face. So without a second thought, I bit them as hard as I could….. You never know how strong a man really is until he bites his own nuts”

Getting Old

Another Memorial Day has come and gone. How many more will I see?

I forgot to watch any of the Indy 500 yesterday. I never watch the whole thing but I usually watch the cars going round the oval for at least an hour.

I’m so old I remember when it wasn’t televised. I used to listen to it on the radio. I remember one Memorial Day listening to it on a sailboat on the Mississippi River when I was in Sea Scouts.

I’m so old, I remember when the race was run on Memorial Day. Now it’s run on Sunday. I think they moved it to Sunday so in case it got rained out, which has happened a few times, they could run it on Monday.

I’m so old, I remember A.J. Foyt and Mario Andretti racing.

I’m so old, I remember when the cars didn’t look like they do today.

I’m so old I can’t think of anything better to write today.

Getting old.

AOTW 5-27-2022

Many worthy candidates as Dimocrat politicians stood on the graves of the victims of the Texas shootings calling for more gun control.

Didja see Obungler? He used the occasion to honor career criminal George Floyd.

One of Connecticut’s senators got up on the Senate floor and came out with some twaddle about gun control.

But the biggest asshole this week is Beto O’Rourke. Remember him? He’s running for governor of Texas. He once said, “Of course we’re gonna take away your guns.” Then later he said they weren’t. Anyhoo, he crashed the Texas governor’s press conference and made an ass of himself by yelling and screaming nonsense.

Here’s your award Beto.

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Shortages In The Candy Aisle

Now this bullshit is really hitting close to home. Fortunately, even though the cat food shelves are almost empty of the particular canned food I get for my critters, I’ve managed to score enough when it’s available to keep my varmints happy.

But what about me?

Publix has been out of Snickers fun size bars for over a month. All they have in stock is the mini size.

Now this really sucks and I blame President * and the Dimocrats.

What is this? The Soviet Union?

I’ve never seen empty shelves in the candy aisle before.

Fortunately, I’ve found a solution. Just as my sister pointed out that Amazon has the kitty food I like, I discovered that Amazon has Snickers fun size in stock. I just ordered some.

They need to fix this before Halloween but with the clowns running the gummint I’m not very optimistic.

I hope all of you Biden voters are happy.

Fuck you!

Ronsday – Flawed

Ron rants.

Just thinkin this mornin . . . .

This is gonna be a v-e-r-y interesting summer . . . shortages, protests, riots, fires, killings, starving babies, and the rise in gasoline/diesel prices began long before Putin invaded Ukraine. Does that stupid war have an impact on fuel supplies? Yeah, some.

But the bottom line is that Biden went full-bore anti-carbon and shut down domestic production on everything – coal, natural gas, oil, even refineries – to “save the planet” from CO2 emissions by shifting to EVs, wind turbines, solar panels, hot air, and pixie dust.

For most of the history of this nation, actually for thousands of years, mankind somehow managed to eat, build cities, invent machines, raise families, and keep making things better each generation – WITHOUT smartfones, internet, integrated circuits, My Pillow, Joe Namath, and Teslas.

In fact, throughout most of human history, people made it through life without electricity, steel, internal combustion engines, plastics, and commercials. Today, however, most societies would disintegrate and vanish without those things.

And that’s even before mentioning artificial fertilizers, without which there’s simply NO WAY to grow enough food to feed 8 billion naked apes with self-indulgent neuroses and addiction to saturated fats. Today we can’t even feed babies because diesel prices are so high that it’s more expensive to ship it than to make it.

It’s almost as if libs have decided that if they can’t murder babies, they’ll just starve them. And don’t forget – over half the fertilizer used by American producers comes from Russia and Ukraine.

Right now . . . today, Mid-May . . . is the optimum time for central Europe, especially Ukraine, Crimea, and western Russia to put crops in, but they’re all involved in a silly-ass war. Ukraine and Russia together provide about a third of wheat and almost a fourth of corn bought by other countries trying to feed their populations.

Zelensky and Putin are like Dons Barzini and Corleone in a turf war in, ironically, the Donbas. The problem is that we have US politicians involved in the corrupt Ukraine regime and heavily invested in the weapons industry.

We also have an illegitimate CEO making decisions the same way he made them for 50 years – badly – and a vice-fraudulent forcing non-nutritious word salad on us. Joey’s applying flawed monetary policies, flawed fiscal policies, flawed ecological policies, flawed defense policies, flawed trade policies, and flawed energy policies to problems he can’t begin to comprehend.

And when his bad decision-making caused the feces to hit the financial structure, he came up with the brilliant ideas to (1) release oil from the strategic reserves, which provides about enough fuel to run things for under a week, and (2) buy oil from Venezuela instead of producing it in Louisiana, or Alaska, or Canada.

Hey, if you accept that wind farms and solar panels ain’t cuttin it and we need to burn more oil to keep on keepin on, what makes you think Venezuelan oil will be less expensive, safer, and produce fewer harmful emissions than domestic stuff?

Biden has taken primary control over the land use, drilling, piping, shipping, storing, buying, selling, and taxing of crude oil and gas . . . while insisting that gummint has no control over the price of gasoline and diesel because of Putin. G.M.A.F.B. !

Our top military advisors insist that our defense apparatus shift its focus from being prepared to kill large numbers of our enemies to ethnic diversification with increased numbers of homo- and trans-sexuals using inoffensive pronouns. IOW, military effectiveness is being replaced by political wokeness.

This is all getting a little beyond suspicious, guys . . . first, a shortage of computer chips – then gasoline – now baby formula. What gives? The only thing we have in abundance these days is debt, PC, and illegal latinos.

Biden gave us a kabuki demonstration of strategic seppuku in Afghanistan which completely cancelled out any hint of deterrence internationally. China, NorKor, Iran, Russia – all are planning the most effective ways to exploit America’s putting its troops in high heels and lipstick with ambiguous pronouns and indefinite genders.

The dollar-based global economy is puking and purging like a goat that got into a medicine cabinet and ate all the ipecac and ex-lax. NObody has a stable economy any more . . . not even China. And it AIN’T Trump’s fault!

We had huge surpluses of all kinds of food just two years ago . . . we had a booming economy . . . we had international prestige . . . we had military superiority in several categories . . . we had effective law enforcement everywhere except Chicongo . . . WTF happened ?? Well, the dead rose and voted to get rid of Orangeman, that’s what.

An old proverb says that when a clown moves into the palace, he doesn’t become the king; instead, the palace becomes a circus. The question about our clown is whether he’s malicious, incompetent, or a puppet.

The unrelenting new-green-deal socialists have pretty much won here in Murka. Now, if you’re black or here illegally, everything you need to be comfortable is free . . . but lately the stores don’t have any, so you’ll just have to blame King Maga ’til somebody with some common sense gets into office and restabilizes the gyro.

Kinda odd, tho, innit, that gas suddenly got expensive immediately after Basement Joe decided to get rid of ICE-driven machines in favor of EVs and the formula shortage popped up just in time to drag Hunter’s laptop out of prime time. And if you’re feelin uninformed and out of touch, remember that every day thousands of people get their news from Whoopi, Joy Behar, AOC, Twitter, and Jimmy Kimmel.

Joke Of The Week

From David.

Q: What’s the difference between passengers on the Titanic and the American
people?
A: The passengers on the Titanic didn’t vote to hit the iceberg.

We’re descending into times where the jokes will be dark like they were in the Soviet Union.